1
00:00:23,689 --> 00:00:30,359
It's a delight to be back with you once
again, isn't it, Ronnie? Oh, yes,

2
00:00:30,360 --> 00:00:33,519
indeed. And in a density -packed
programme tonight, we shall be meeting a

3
00:00:33,520 --> 00:00:37,059
whose wife has bought him a new wig, and
all his friends agree it makes him look

4
00:00:37,060 --> 00:00:38,110
30 years sillier.

5
00:00:39,280 --> 00:00:44,199
And I'll be telling you the desperately
sad story of Willis Watkins, who

6
00:00:44,200 --> 00:00:48,499
yesterday was within a hair's breadth of
achieving his lifelong ambition to play

7
00:00:48,500 --> 00:00:52,110
professional football, but then signed
for Wolverhampton Wanderers.

8
00:00:53,480 --> 00:00:54,600
But first, the news.

9
00:00:54,601 --> 00:00:58,199
A government inquiry is to be set up
into the company that's made a bomb out

10
00:00:58,200 --> 00:01:02,280
syrup of figs. They'll be asking why the
RAF didn't think of it first.

11
00:01:03,620 --> 00:01:08,939
The drains at the House of Commons
remain blocked tonight after Dinerod

12
00:01:08,940 --> 00:01:10,820
up, but Blackrod wouldn't let them in.

13
00:01:12,600 --> 00:01:17,919
Meanwhile, miser Mr Albert Moneybags was
awarded £80 ,000 damages today after

14
00:01:17,920 --> 00:01:20,450
being struck in a sensitive spot by a
cricket ball.

15
00:01:20,500 --> 00:01:23,510
He said the experience had definitely
swollen his coffers.

16
00:01:25,550 --> 00:01:30,170
funeral service of former pantomime King
Rat, Mr.

17
00:01:30,550 --> 00:01:34,210
Rollo Tooth. The vicar said, what a good
man he was.

18
00:01:34,410 --> 00:01:36,550
And the mourner said, oh no, he wasn't.

19
00:01:37,850 --> 00:01:41,389
And our sketch features Mr. Ronnie
Corbett, who last night fell in the

20
00:01:41,390 --> 00:01:42,950
bowl and got dressed for dinner.

21
00:01:54,640 --> 00:02:00,219
The winner, the winner of the Best
Dressed Tarts and Vicar competition,

22
00:02:00,220 --> 00:02:03,000
Tart, Susie Grundy, for the card.

23
00:02:06,360 --> 00:02:13,320
And, and, the Best Vicar, Manager of
Office Printing, our host,

24
00:02:13,540 --> 00:02:14,590
Tommy Finn.

25
00:02:16,620 --> 00:02:20,460
And we've got a very special prize for
Tommy.

26
00:02:37,390 --> 00:02:42,069
from the third floor who came as the
moderator of the Church of Scotland in a

27
00:02:42,070 --> 00:02:43,120
kilt.

28
00:03:08,520 --> 00:03:12,419
Who are you, by the way? I am the Bishop
of Dongo. Oh, I'm calling myself Dean

29
00:03:12,420 --> 00:03:13,470
Martin myself.

30
00:03:14,020 --> 00:03:16,250
Surely this is not one of your
deaconesses?

31
00:03:16,560 --> 00:03:18,560
No, I'm just a layperson myself.

32
00:03:20,720 --> 00:03:23,740
Has she nothing to her to cover herself
withal?

33
00:03:24,180 --> 00:03:25,940
No, I'm a tart.

34
00:03:26,580 --> 00:03:29,460
Oh, the price of a good woman is beyond
rubies.

35
00:03:29,780 --> 00:03:31,060
That's not what Ruby says.

36
00:03:41,971 --> 00:03:43,739
in the basement.

37
00:03:43,740 --> 00:03:45,540
Bring the dressers coming out party.

38
00:03:46,240 --> 00:03:49,280
This is ecumenical Babylon.

39
00:03:49,520 --> 00:03:52,410
There's a man of the cloth over there
unclocking himself.

40
00:03:53,680 --> 00:03:56,000
Will him to go and frock himself at
once.

41
00:03:56,001 --> 00:03:57,699
Well, you better tell him that, mate.

42
00:03:57,700 --> 00:04:00,699
Have you brought a bottle with you? I
should have brought a bell, book and

43
00:04:00,700 --> 00:04:03,200
candle. Oh, it's not bedtime yet.

44
00:04:03,500 --> 00:04:06,920
Oh, I shall pronounce ecclesiastical
anathema.

45
00:04:07,260 --> 00:04:10,150
You're very lucky to be able to
pronounce anything, mate.

46
00:04:10,151 --> 00:04:15,359
What's the matter with you? Where are
you from? You're from auditing. Sent up

47
00:04:15,360 --> 00:04:19,090
spoil everything or what? I am the
Bishop of Dongo of the Friendly Islands.

48
00:04:19,519 --> 00:04:21,060
A real bishop?

49
00:04:21,620 --> 00:04:25,050
Yes. What are you doing here, mate? This
is the Vickers and Tart party.

50
00:04:25,240 --> 00:04:28,130
Our missionary work in the Friendly
Islands costs money.

51
00:04:28,340 --> 00:04:32,480
I spoke to the man at the door in
uniform and explained the missionary

52
00:04:32,900 --> 00:04:34,100
Oh, I don't know that one.

53
00:04:36,260 --> 00:04:41,759
The best place for me was the sixth...
more. Oh, he's a real bishop, Eric, a

54
00:04:41,760 --> 00:04:43,760
real bishop. Yeah, he's not dressed up.

55
00:04:43,980 --> 00:04:47,959
He's collecting money from the friendly
isles. Oh, really? Come on, help him be

56
00:04:47,960 --> 00:04:49,010
friendly, Dory.

57
00:04:49,100 --> 00:04:52,340
How do you do? I'll work it. I got you
from dispatch.

58
00:04:52,760 --> 00:04:54,540
The hassock stuck up his cassock.

59
00:04:54,980 --> 00:04:56,360
He's minding you two.

60
00:04:56,660 --> 00:04:58,160
Why didn't you put Peter off?

61
00:04:58,420 --> 00:05:02,819
Well, and furthermore, we shall pay in
the next life for the last of the flesh

62
00:05:02,820 --> 00:05:06,800
that we incur in this life. Take a
leave. He's driving everyone away. Come

63
00:05:11,400 --> 00:05:14,060
What is it? We're only having a good
time. Good time?

64
00:05:14,460 --> 00:05:16,700
Such scenes as these even in ancient
Greece.

65
00:05:16,920 --> 00:05:18,120
Susie, come back. Susie!

66
00:05:18,160 --> 00:05:22,419
Oh, had that all laid on. Had it all
laid on there, you miserable thing. Why

67
00:05:22,420 --> 00:05:23,959
don't you come and spoil everything?

68
00:05:23,960 --> 00:05:24,939
Sign here, please.

69
00:05:24,940 --> 00:05:27,159
Sign it. What is this? Pardon me,
poopers. What's that?

70
00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:29,799
Yes, you've heard of kiss -o -grams and
stripper -grams. I'm a nasty bishop

71
00:05:29,800 --> 00:05:30,850
-gram from your wife.

72
00:05:30,900 --> 00:05:31,950
On the line.

73
00:05:38,320 --> 00:05:42,400
You may remember our guest was Phil
Collins. Well, tonight, it's the ladies'

74
00:05:42,401 --> 00:05:46,059
turn. And with the song that was made
famous by the legendary Billie Holiday,

75
00:05:46,060 --> 00:05:49,880
our special guest, Barbara Dixon and
Lover Man.

76
00:06:08,780 --> 00:06:15,480
I don't know why, but I'm feeling so
sad.

77
00:06:17,200 --> 00:06:23,799
I long to try something I've

78
00:06:23,800 --> 00:06:25,780
never had.

79
00:06:28,000 --> 00:06:34,700
Hugging and kissing, what I've been
missing.

80
00:09:22,190 --> 00:09:25,390
I am showing you how to be making a hot
and spicy curry.

81
00:09:25,850 --> 00:09:27,970
And it will be repeated tomorrow
morning.

82
00:09:30,130 --> 00:09:33,210
And I will also be showing you how to
make papadums.

83
00:09:33,470 --> 00:09:35,850
Now this here, that is a papadum.

84
00:09:36,630 --> 00:09:37,950
And that is a mamadum.

85
00:09:39,130 --> 00:09:43,209
Now the curry I am going to show you how
to be making this week is one of my

86
00:09:43,210 --> 00:09:48,130
very own recipes. Actually, it is being
an Anglo -Indian vegetable and ham dish.

87
00:09:48,570 --> 00:09:50,230
The vegetables being from India.

88
00:09:50,640 --> 00:09:52,140
and the ham being from England.

89
00:09:52,180 --> 00:09:55,560
So I am naming it the Richard
Mahatambara Gandhi Curry.

90
00:09:56,840 --> 00:10:02,519
For this thing of curries, you will be
needing one pound of ham, one pound of

91
00:10:02,520 --> 00:10:08,660
diced okra, one half pound of chickpeas,
and one half pint of single cream.

92
00:10:09,140 --> 00:10:15,620
And about half a teaspoonful each of
garam masala, cumin,

93
00:10:15,880 --> 00:10:19,670
fenugreek, kalonji, coriander, black
mustard seed, yellow mustard seed.

94
00:10:31,000 --> 00:10:33,170
Here we go. I'll put those in there like
that.

95
00:10:33,620 --> 00:10:36,030
And if you haven't got any of these,
don't worry.

96
00:10:36,360 --> 00:10:37,480
Just use an oxo cube.

97
00:10:39,320 --> 00:10:43,899
Now you put the whole lot together in a
big pot. And you cook for about one and

98
00:10:43,900 --> 00:10:47,560
a half hours at 300 degrees. Or if
you're not in a hurry for your curry.

99
00:10:48,140 --> 00:10:50,020
300 hours at one and a half degrees.

100
00:10:51,960 --> 00:10:57,259
And do not be worried if you did not
manage to get all that down. You can

101
00:10:57,260 --> 00:10:59,430
buy my book, which accompanies the
series.

102
00:11:00,180 --> 00:11:06,999
Priced £9 .95 or £8 .95 direct from the
BBC, the

103
00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:08,050
Bombay Book Club.

104
00:11:08,740 --> 00:11:11,840
Now with this curry, I recommend the
stuffed pilau rice.

105
00:11:12,220 --> 00:11:16,179
Pilau rice is the thing to eat with it.
And to be making perfect stuffed pilau

106
00:11:16,180 --> 00:11:22,470
rice, you will need... One pint of water
and six ounces of basmati rice.

107
00:11:22,750 --> 00:11:27,670
And you cook for 40 minutes and you
stuff it into a pillow. Like that, you

108
00:11:27,671 --> 00:11:33,349
First, of course, you must remove the
original stuffing from the pillow.

109
00:11:33,350 --> 00:11:37,569
Now, I am not knowing what this pillow
is stuffed with. So I am asking the

110
00:11:37,570 --> 00:11:38,730
producer on the phone.

111
00:11:39,410 --> 00:11:40,460
Hello?

112
00:11:41,430 --> 00:11:43,170
Oh, gracious, that is a cucumber.

113
00:11:44,010 --> 00:11:45,810
The question is, where is the phone?

114
00:11:46,330 --> 00:11:49,160
And the answer is, it is in this bowl
covered with yogurt.

115
00:11:50,730 --> 00:11:51,780
Yes.

116
00:11:53,110 --> 00:11:58,270
However, however, I have here another
telephone that I prepared earlier.

117
00:12:03,570 --> 00:12:05,210
Hello. Hello, producer.

118
00:12:05,970 --> 00:12:07,530
Blessings upon your health now.

119
00:12:07,670 --> 00:12:10,200
Tell me, oh, why is an old seeing old
drinking one?

120
00:12:11,110 --> 00:12:13,090
What is this pillow stuffed with?

121
00:12:14,990 --> 00:12:17,100
I said, what is this pillow stuffed
with?

122
00:12:18,250 --> 00:12:20,210
No, I am ducking down.

123
00:12:22,550 --> 00:12:29,329
Of course, the pillow is stuffed with
duck

124
00:12:29,330 --> 00:12:30,380
down, of course.

125
00:12:30,910 --> 00:12:32,290
This will be very useful.

126
00:12:32,970 --> 00:12:35,740
Thank you, sir. You're a bit late, but
hurry and get here.

127
00:12:36,810 --> 00:12:41,229
This will be very useful in next week's
program entitled Indigestion with Indian

128
00:12:41,230 --> 00:12:43,550
Food or How to Keep Your Bombay Duck
Down.

129
00:12:48,970 --> 00:12:53,209
Well, if you are following correctly the
recipe for my hot and spicy curry, you

130
00:12:53,210 --> 00:12:54,650
will not be needing a starter.

131
00:12:55,630 --> 00:12:57,010
You'll be needing a stopper.

132
00:12:57,011 --> 00:13:03,089
That is something to stop you eating too
much and getting too full because it is

133
00:13:03,090 --> 00:13:05,950
so delicious. Now, I am making a starter
anyway.

134
00:13:06,250 --> 00:13:10,749
Any old way I shall make a starter. And
I have chosen an old favorite, tandoori

135
00:13:10,750 --> 00:13:16,150
chicken. Now, this particular recipe was
given to me by a friend of mine,

136
00:13:16,350 --> 00:13:17,590
Mohamed Nazir.

137
00:13:18,349 --> 00:13:22,610
sometimes known as marinade, Nazir,
because he left his wife overnight.

138
00:13:24,690 --> 00:13:29,810
He's thinking about that one. Now,
firstly, we will be making the marinade,

139
00:13:29,910 --> 00:13:34,029
which the chicken will then stand in or
run around in if you are marinating it

140
00:13:34,030 --> 00:13:35,080
before you kill it.

141
00:13:35,490 --> 00:13:40,610
And for the marinade, you will need
salt, yogurt, we have plenty of yogurt

142
00:13:40,730 --> 00:13:44,110
and the red food coloring. You put all
those in the bowl like that.

143
00:13:45,740 --> 00:13:49,659
Half a juice of a whole lemon. Now, if
you have not got a whole lemon to take

144
00:13:49,660 --> 00:13:52,550
half the juice of, just use the whole
juice of half a lemon.

145
00:13:53,700 --> 00:13:55,500
Well, it's the same thing. Work it out.

146
00:13:56,600 --> 00:14:01,459
Now, for the chicken, which must now be
skinning and quartering. Now, many

147
00:14:01,460 --> 00:14:06,399
people are finding this difficult, you
see, but it's not difficult at all if

148
00:14:06,400 --> 00:14:09,239
are doing it like I'm telling you, which
is by taking your little knife like

149
00:14:09,240 --> 00:14:13,499
this and cutting through the skin like
this, you see. Through there, across

150
00:14:13,500 --> 00:14:15,550
there. Around there like that.

151
00:14:15,830 --> 00:14:19,730
And around this side here, from elbow to
breakfast time, right around that.

152
00:14:20,690 --> 00:14:25,810
Now it is simple to be pulling the skin
off. You just take the skin in the hand.

153
00:14:27,530 --> 00:14:31,329
No, you just take the... Simply

154
00:14:31,330 --> 00:14:37,050
nail it to the board like that.

155
00:14:44,560 --> 00:14:47,459
That is the way. Now, you simply...
There

156
00:14:47,460 --> 00:14:54,239
is a photograph

157
00:14:54,240 --> 00:14:58,040
of the completed... Ready to serve.

158
00:14:58,520 --> 00:15:02,859
Now, lastly, and finally, it is my time
for my last week's deliberate mistake. I

159
00:15:02,860 --> 00:15:07,659
wonder how many of you were getting it
right. Some, perhaps, but not Mr. Gerald

160
00:15:07,660 --> 00:15:11,499
Watkins of Peterborough, who, after
failing to notice that in the recipe for

161
00:15:11,500 --> 00:15:16,059
Rogan Josh, I should have said one
teaspoonful of chili powder and not one

162
00:15:16,060 --> 00:15:17,110
dustbinful.

163
00:15:18,300 --> 00:15:20,220
He has since been in hospital.

164
00:15:21,360 --> 00:15:24,780
Here he is recovering from the world's
first bottom transplant.

165
00:15:40,400 --> 00:15:43,880
What made you give up work and take to
the road then, Harry?

166
00:15:44,220 --> 00:15:46,280
I give up work because of sickness.

167
00:15:47,120 --> 00:15:49,000
The boss got sick of me.

168
00:15:50,600 --> 00:15:52,880
You was a railway porter, wasn't you?

169
00:15:53,100 --> 00:15:54,360
Yeah, that's right, yeah.

170
00:15:54,800 --> 00:15:57,960
I got the sack because I trod on a
stale.

171
00:15:59,420 --> 00:16:00,580
Why'd you do that?

172
00:16:01,000 --> 00:16:03,340
Well, they'd been following me about all
day.

173
00:16:07,630 --> 00:16:10,220
Bit of a blow, wasn't it? You know,
losing your job?

174
00:16:10,221 --> 00:16:11,409
Well, yeah.

175
00:16:11,410 --> 00:16:16,570
Yeah, it was, really, cos at the time I
had a wife and two ruptures to support.

176
00:16:18,650 --> 00:16:20,810
What made you give it up, then?

177
00:16:21,590 --> 00:16:25,270
Well, I lost the will to live, except at
the weekends.

178
00:16:26,290 --> 00:16:27,710
I was always late.

179
00:16:28,330 --> 00:16:33,049
Always. I mean, what they ought to do,
really, is cross electric blankets with

180
00:16:33,050 --> 00:16:36,070
toasters and pop people out of bed in
the morning.

181
00:16:37,461 --> 00:16:41,499
What happened? Did you get into trouble?

182
00:16:41,500 --> 00:16:45,060
I got into trouble, all right. I had to
go up before the boss.

183
00:16:45,740 --> 00:16:50,200
I hadn't been talking to him for more
than two minutes and he called me a

184
00:16:51,260 --> 00:16:52,840
What caused the delay?

185
00:16:55,560 --> 00:16:56,610
I don't know.

186
00:16:56,780 --> 00:16:58,560
I must have been talking slow.

187
00:16:59,560 --> 00:17:02,300
My boss used to be rude and all.

188
00:17:02,820 --> 00:17:03,870
And mean.

189
00:17:04,410 --> 00:17:09,130
You know, on flag days, he had a special
way of avoiding buying one.

190
00:17:09,589 --> 00:17:10,750
What was that, then?

191
00:17:10,990 --> 00:17:13,390
He used to wear a tray with flags on it.

192
00:17:14,829 --> 00:17:19,170
One Christmas, I sent him a card with
Happy Christmas on it.

193
00:17:19,710 --> 00:17:24,030
Next year, he sent the same card back
and wrote on it, and the same to you.

194
00:17:42,190 --> 00:17:47,849
totally flimsy, while I mix you a
scandalously dry martini after I've

195
00:17:47,850 --> 00:17:48,900
the pianoforte.

196
00:18:12,110 --> 00:18:13,160
the chaise ronde.

197
00:18:15,150 --> 00:18:16,200
Under the what?

198
00:18:16,210 --> 00:18:18,410
Who are you?

199
00:18:18,830 --> 00:18:20,150
I'm the coalman, ain't I?

200
00:18:21,050 --> 00:18:23,030
I didn't order any coal. Good heavens.

201
00:18:23,370 --> 00:18:24,450
It's nearly midnight.

202
00:18:24,451 --> 00:18:25,589
Very precisely.

203
00:18:25,590 --> 00:18:28,240
The special summer bargain offer stops
at midnight.

204
00:18:28,530 --> 00:18:31,360
We might like a couple of sacks for them
around the place.

205
00:18:31,361 --> 00:18:32,489
Get out.

206
00:18:32,490 --> 00:18:36,250
Look, I've come here to talk, if you
must know, about Amanda.

207
00:18:36,570 --> 00:18:38,670
Amanda? Amanda? Where is Amanda? Amanda?

208
00:18:38,690 --> 00:18:41,780
Amanda? Don't shout, you'll bring the
property values down.

209
00:18:42,660 --> 00:18:47,540
I'm talking about Amanda, my daughter
Deidre. She's downstairs, in the wagon,

210
00:18:47,541 --> 00:18:48,679
waiting for me.

211
00:18:48,680 --> 00:18:49,730
I'm taking her home.

212
00:18:49,920 --> 00:18:50,970
Home? With you?

213
00:18:51,440 --> 00:18:52,490
Fickle jade.

214
00:18:52,491 --> 00:18:54,359
I've always had my doubts about Amanda.

215
00:18:54,360 --> 00:18:56,240
What are you, rough trade?

216
00:18:58,480 --> 00:18:59,530
I'm her father.

217
00:18:59,531 --> 00:19:00,939
Great Scott.

218
00:19:00,940 --> 00:19:02,539
She takes after her mother's side.

219
00:19:02,540 --> 00:19:03,680
Thank heavens for that.

220
00:19:04,060 --> 00:19:08,380
Listen, my Amanda, or Deidre as we call
her at home, is very sophisticated.

221
00:19:09,230 --> 00:19:12,430
For a barmaid. But she haven't got much
up top, see?

222
00:19:12,431 --> 00:19:15,669
She has the most willowy, wonderful
body. I'm not talking about up top here.

223
00:19:15,670 --> 00:19:16,969
She's got plenty up top here.

224
00:19:16,970 --> 00:19:19,200
I'm talking about further up top. Up top
here.

225
00:19:19,310 --> 00:19:23,509
I'm sorry? The point is, when they were
delivering the brains, she finished up

226
00:19:23,510 --> 00:19:29,409
one sack short of a load. Now, all I
want to know, what's been going on

227
00:19:29,410 --> 00:19:31,950
you, sonny boy, and Deirdre?

228
00:19:32,250 --> 00:19:33,690
Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

229
00:19:34,030 --> 00:19:38,269
Nothing has gone on between Deirdre and
me which I would not willingly scream in

230
00:19:38,270 --> 00:19:42,669
a loud voice to my grandmother in clear,
ringing tone. Let's leave your

231
00:19:42,670 --> 00:19:45,380
grandmother out there, shall we, her and
Edward VII?

232
00:19:46,650 --> 00:19:50,469
want to know is, are your intentions
honourable? My intentions towards

233
00:19:50,470 --> 00:19:53,750
Amanda, if you must know, are totally
loathsome and despicable.

234
00:19:53,970 --> 00:19:56,670
Oh, an honest man. I like that. Put it
there.

235
00:19:57,190 --> 00:20:01,669
He did say honourable on the doorbell,
but you can't always believe what you

236
00:20:01,670 --> 00:20:04,189
read on doorbells. I know what you mean.
Young model.

237
00:20:04,190 --> 00:20:05,240
Yeah. Listen,

238
00:20:06,150 --> 00:20:08,170
how did you get to meet my Deirdre then?

239
00:20:08,570 --> 00:20:09,620
Computer dating.

240
00:20:09,621 --> 00:20:12,899
I shall recommend it to my friends.
Isn't that all a bit mechanical, eh?

241
00:20:12,900 --> 00:20:16,690
No, the computer merely arranges that
you don't actually go out with one. Oh.

242
00:20:16,940 --> 00:20:21,860
You still, believe it or not, end up
with real, living, vibrant flesh.

243
00:20:22,200 --> 00:20:23,820
Yeah. Or in your case, Deidre.

244
00:20:25,280 --> 00:20:27,520
It's funny to think that Deidre is
vibrant.

245
00:20:28,180 --> 00:20:29,940
Or even living, for that matter.

246
00:20:30,340 --> 00:20:32,020
Until she's a big girl now.

247
00:20:32,240 --> 00:20:36,100
Big? She is a sylph. She is a nymph.
Yes, I've heard that said about her, no?

248
00:20:38,220 --> 00:20:42,040
Nice to meet you. I usually only get to
see gentlemen's coal holes.

249
00:20:42,480 --> 00:20:43,530
Wait a minute.

250
00:20:43,620 --> 00:20:47,699
When I said my intentions towards
Deirdre were loathsome and despicable,

251
00:20:47,700 --> 00:20:51,190
meant to say was what I was desperately
trying... What's wrong with you?

252
00:20:52,040 --> 00:20:54,460
I am inwardly struggling with myself.

253
00:20:54,720 --> 00:20:56,160
Oh, yeah, I know what you mean.

254
00:20:57,780 --> 00:21:00,200
I've gone back to boxer shorts myself.

255
00:21:04,560 --> 00:21:06,800
All I want to do, dear sir...

256
00:21:07,530 --> 00:21:09,370
Is Mick Deirdre my wife?

257
00:21:09,371 --> 00:21:12,389
Are you going to make an honest woman of
her? I'm not sure if that's quite

258
00:21:12,390 --> 00:21:15,389
possible, but I certainly hope she's
going to be an honest man of me. Oh,

259
00:21:15,390 --> 00:21:16,440
put. Very fair.

260
00:21:18,090 --> 00:21:19,140
Deirdre.

261
00:21:19,141 --> 00:21:21,869
Deirdre, it's a lovely name. It's a
dryad.

262
00:21:21,870 --> 00:21:23,590
A fawn. A nymph of silk.

263
00:21:23,850 --> 00:21:24,900
Yes, yes, yes.

264
00:21:24,901 --> 00:21:27,969
Well, I'd better get back to her now.
She'll be wondering what's happening to

265
00:21:27,970 --> 00:21:29,250
me. Oh, here she comes.

266
00:21:29,630 --> 00:21:30,680
Not sure yet.

267
00:21:32,970 --> 00:21:36,430
I'd lug up a sack of sun -bright doubles
while I was down there.

268
00:21:40,629 --> 00:21:42,009
Is that where you wanted it?

269
00:22:06,760 --> 00:22:10,639
Grab your boots, you filthy lot of airy
brutes. Grab the girlie, that's the

270
00:22:10,640 --> 00:22:12,960
closest. Never mind her halitosis.

271
00:22:14,960 --> 00:22:17,020
Take your partner by the hand.

272
00:22:17,260 --> 00:22:18,920
Blow a raspberry to the band.

273
00:22:19,180 --> 00:22:22,960
Step up on your partner's toe. Move to
the right and down he'd go.

274
00:22:38,160 --> 00:22:42,539
for a fish and chip. A promenade teacher
looks fine after 15 pints of barley

275
00:22:42,540 --> 00:22:43,590
wine.

276
00:22:44,840 --> 00:22:48,920
Oh, your partner full of booze. Tip her
up and pinch her shoes.

277
00:22:49,300 --> 00:22:52,920
Grab her by the ankles quick and swing
her round until she's lit.

278
00:22:54,600 --> 00:22:58,299
Now sash it to the left and sash it to
the right. I've been dying to have a

279
00:22:58,300 --> 00:22:59,350
all night.

280
00:22:59,380 --> 00:23:02,820
Girl across the floor, grab her by the
exit door.

281
00:23:17,680 --> 00:23:18,820
dragging on the ground.

282
00:23:18,821 --> 00:23:22,439
Come on, Charlie, grab that floozy with
a face like that and she won't be

283
00:23:22,440 --> 00:23:23,490
choosy.

284
00:23:24,600 --> 00:23:26,780
Old one -eyed Cyril's really weird.

285
00:23:26,980 --> 00:23:28,640
He grows mushrooms in his beard.

286
00:23:28,940 --> 00:23:32,720
Greasy down just caught his eye and
sucked it landing in the shepherd's

287
00:23:34,680 --> 00:23:36,460
Old Tom notes he's 84.

288
00:23:37,000 --> 00:23:38,760
See him stagger around the floor.

289
00:23:38,980 --> 00:23:40,840
Three parts gone on Lucas' aid.

290
00:23:41,240 --> 00:23:42,740
Promenades with a hearing aid.

291
00:23:45,060 --> 00:23:48,520
Albert's up to all... streaks his feet
as fast as 46.

292
00:23:48,740 --> 00:23:52,700
When she swings them round and round,
knocks young Albert to the ground.

293
00:23:54,600 --> 00:23:59,999
Watch them as they dozy -do, see them
swinging to and fro. When it rains, a

294
00:24:00,000 --> 00:24:02,560
lucky fella uses them as an umbrella.

295
00:24:18,670 --> 00:24:20,590
Not where she live, but what she got.

296
00:24:22,430 --> 00:24:27,309
Every time old Billy meets her, her
fizzog looks more like a pizza. She's

297
00:24:27,310 --> 00:24:30,630
pimples on each cheek. Wins a spot prize
every week.

298
00:25:08,970 --> 00:25:14,370
Absolutely charming. It is, in fact, the
finest real ale house outside London,

299
00:25:14,530 --> 00:25:18,489
really. Yes, it has come up. Good
evening, my host. Good evening, sir.

300
00:25:18,490 --> 00:25:19,569
evening, madam. Good evening.

301
00:25:19,570 --> 00:25:22,729
Now, I think we should start you on
something not too heavy, you know, just

302
00:25:22,730 --> 00:25:25,849
little tasty, nutty, you know, from the
wood, but not too strong.

303
00:25:25,850 --> 00:25:30,050
Could we have two pints, please, of
Shagwell's Old Dirigible?

304
00:25:31,710 --> 00:25:32,790
I haven't got any, sir.

305
00:25:33,170 --> 00:25:34,850
Oh, no Shagwell's Old Dirigible?

306
00:25:35,090 --> 00:25:37,260
No, sir. Oh, goodness, that is a bit of
a blow.

307
00:25:37,840 --> 00:25:41,320
Well, what about some black nasty stout?
Oh, no.

308
00:25:41,880 --> 00:25:46,420
Two halves of black nasty stout, please.
I haven't got any, sir.

309
00:25:46,421 --> 00:25:48,279
You haven't got any.

310
00:25:48,280 --> 00:25:50,240
What sort of beer have you got?

311
00:25:50,440 --> 00:25:51,580
We don't sell beer, sir.

312
00:25:51,581 --> 00:25:54,139
What do you mean, you don't sell beer? I
mean, the finest real ale house in the

313
00:25:54,140 --> 00:25:57,359
country. Ah, that was last year, sir.
Last year? Yes. Yes, the craze for real

314
00:25:57,360 --> 00:25:58,410
ale is over now, sir.

315
00:25:58,411 --> 00:26:00,419
Really? So what do you sell now, then?

316
00:26:00,420 --> 00:26:01,470
We sell water, sir.

317
00:26:02,560 --> 00:26:04,200
Water? Yes, water. Why water?

318
00:26:04,520 --> 00:26:08,199
Well, there was such a craze on the
mineral waters last year, sir, we gave

319
00:26:08,200 --> 00:26:12,399
selling beer altogether, sir. Goodness
me. Yes, we only sell water now, sir. We

320
00:26:12,400 --> 00:26:14,120
are the first real water pub.

321
00:26:14,660 --> 00:26:16,140
Real water? Yes, yes.

322
00:26:16,540 --> 00:26:18,340
All the top people go for it, sir, now.

323
00:26:18,341 --> 00:26:20,739
I think I've read about it, as a matter
of fact. I saw it at the supplement.

324
00:26:20,740 --> 00:26:22,360
Rather lucky we stumbled on this.

325
00:26:22,540 --> 00:26:26,660
What sort of real water do you use after
that? Oh, all sorts, all sorts. So you,

326
00:26:26,760 --> 00:26:31,039
I mean, we've got alpine mineral water,
we've got island stream water, we've got

327
00:26:31,040 --> 00:26:34,999
Windermere Lake water, we've got Canada
dry water, Red Indian running water,

328
00:26:35,000 --> 00:26:38,079
French Perrier water, Yorkshire Terrier
water, mountain water, fountain water,

329
00:26:38,080 --> 00:26:42,050
only water, Virginia water, we've got
South End sea water, Catford tap water,

330
00:26:42,051 --> 00:26:45,499
soapy water, ropey water, dopey water,
fish water, fish water, we've got

331
00:26:45,500 --> 00:26:48,139
evaporating water, condensed water, soda
water, distilled water, Still water,

332
00:26:48,140 --> 00:26:52,290
rich water, ditch water, boiling water,
toilet water, Thames water, seven water.

333
00:26:52,291 --> 00:26:55,459
Yeah, we've got seven water. We've got
six out of seven water. We've got baby's

334
00:26:55,460 --> 00:26:58,239
hot water. We've got baby's pot water.
We've got baby's bath water.

335
00:26:58,240 --> 00:27:02,079
We've got murky water, dirty water,
squirty water, cold water, gold water,

336
00:27:02,080 --> 00:27:05,930
water, rain water, water on the rocks,
water on the knee, water on the bridge.

337
00:27:14,011 --> 00:27:17,029
You seem to have water on the brain.

338
00:27:17,030 --> 00:27:18,269
Yes, we've got water up here.

339
00:27:18,270 --> 00:27:19,320
Well,

340
00:27:20,830 --> 00:27:25,369
I think if we may, we'll plump for
the... Windermere? The Windermere,

341
00:27:25,370 --> 00:27:26,389
Lake water, yes.

342
00:27:26,390 --> 00:27:27,729
With or without fluoride, sir?

343
00:27:27,730 --> 00:27:28,780
Oh, without.

344
00:27:28,950 --> 00:27:32,749
Ice, sir? Yes, please. Two lumps, two
lumps. Yes, well, we've got alpine

345
00:27:32,750 --> 00:27:35,160
mineral, we've got highland stream,
we've got...

346
00:27:35,161 --> 00:27:38,379
We've got washing up water, washing down
water, all's water, all's water.

347
00:27:38,380 --> 00:27:41,499
I think we'll have Highland Stream, I
think. Yes, sir. Now, what do you want?

348
00:27:41,500 --> 00:27:43,320
Cracked ice? Do you want black ice?

349
00:27:43,321 --> 00:27:47,119
Flushed ice? Crushed ice? Chopped ice? I
think we'll have the crushed ice. Oh,

350
00:27:47,120 --> 00:27:51,140
crushed ice. Yes, very good, sir. That
will be £1 .40, please, sir. Very good.

351
00:27:51,141 --> 00:27:52,139
Have one yourself.

352
00:27:52,140 --> 00:27:54,790
Oh, thank you very much, sir. That'll be
£5. Thank you.

353
00:27:55,680 --> 00:27:58,940
Oh, goodness me. Fancy the old Garden
Gate not selling beer.

354
00:27:59,220 --> 00:28:01,750
Yes, we don't call it the Garden Gate
anymore, sir.

355
00:28:02,060 --> 00:28:03,680
Now, we call it the Watergate now.

356
00:28:05,160 --> 00:28:07,460
Tell me, do you... Thank you very much.

357
00:28:07,660 --> 00:28:09,360
Do you make your own water?

358
00:28:09,560 --> 00:28:11,910
Well, with this lot, about every five
minutes.

359
00:28:13,360 --> 00:28:15,260
Very nice. Very nice.

360
00:28:17,240 --> 00:28:18,800
Cheeky little taste, isn't it?

361
00:28:19,000 --> 00:28:22,010
Yes, I think you'll be amused by its
impertinence. Very nice.

362
00:28:22,500 --> 00:28:27,780
I say... I say, I thought you didn't
sell beer. That's lager, isn't it? Oh,

363
00:28:27,781 --> 00:28:30,239
but it's not for Sousa. Well, what is it
for? Well, we've got to wash the

364
00:28:30,240 --> 00:28:32,280
glasses and something, haven't we, sir?

365
00:28:44,310 --> 00:28:47,790
I'd like to begin tonight, if I may, on
rather a serious note.

366
00:28:47,791 --> 00:28:51,369
Something of a sensitive subject, but
one I hope we can all approach in the

367
00:28:51,370 --> 00:28:55,590
of adult, mature fashion. The question
of my sex appeal.

368
00:28:58,670 --> 00:29:01,170
And why it didn't bring in a single
donation.

369
00:29:02,390 --> 00:29:03,440
Now,

370
00:29:05,450 --> 00:29:08,250
I knew you wouldn't take that seriously.

371
00:29:09,110 --> 00:29:11,760
I thought you might take it less
seriously than that.

372
00:29:12,540 --> 00:29:16,759
The fact is that it's a popular fallacy
that men of my diminutive stature don't

373
00:29:16,760 --> 00:29:17,810
make great lovers.

374
00:29:18,360 --> 00:29:22,139
As I pointed out in my recent book on
the subject, How to Make a Little Go a

375
00:29:22,140 --> 00:29:28,419
Long Way, in which I recounted my first
ever awakening to the attractions of the

376
00:29:28,420 --> 00:29:32,379
opposite sex. At the age of 12, I can
still remember it vividly, I'd just

377
00:29:32,380 --> 00:29:38,419
climbed halfway up Karma Miranda and
suddenly lost all interest in scrumping

378
00:29:38,420 --> 00:29:39,470
apples.

379
00:29:43,050 --> 00:29:46,690
adventure in those days because I
actually went to a very, very strict

380
00:29:46,990 --> 00:29:50,550
I remember the boy who sat next to me
was shot for hurrying a Murray Mint.

381
00:29:51,930 --> 00:29:58,409
What I thought I would do tonight was to
bring along this week's sack of fan

382
00:29:58,410 --> 00:30:04,410
mail from all my adoring lady admirers
and just pick out one at random.

383
00:30:06,830 --> 00:30:09,250
Just any letter.

384
00:30:09,770 --> 00:30:11,730
There we are. And see what it says.

385
00:30:12,490 --> 00:30:16,929
Now, here we are. To the most erotic man
on television, here are the two

386
00:30:16,930 --> 00:30:18,430
Ronnies. See what I mean?

387
00:30:18,630 --> 00:30:20,370
I get this sort of thing all the time.

388
00:30:20,570 --> 00:30:22,250
Now, let's see what it says inside.

389
00:30:22,570 --> 00:30:28,130
Dear Ronnie, here we are. You are the
sexiest hunk of man I have ever seen.

390
00:30:29,010 --> 00:30:30,930
Virile. Not very quiet.

391
00:30:33,270 --> 00:30:35,970
Virile and masculine, yet warm and
cuddly.

392
00:30:36,350 --> 00:30:38,790
Last night I dreamt that you and I
were...

393
00:30:45,640 --> 00:30:49,180
for us to make mad passionate music
together, Ronnie. Say it can be so.

394
00:30:49,460 --> 00:30:52,950
All I ask is that you get rid of the
weedy little drip who's on the table.

395
00:30:53,451 --> 00:31:00,859
Please ask him to tell the joke about
the American tourist and the red Indian.

396
00:31:00,860 --> 00:31:05,499
Well, which brings us rather neatly, if
not very convincingly, to tonight's

397
00:31:05,500 --> 00:31:06,539
story. Now...

398
00:31:06,540 --> 00:31:10,699
I'm glad it's this story, actually,
because it should cheer up my wife,

399
00:31:10,700 --> 00:31:15,100
rather upset tonight, as today holds
rather painful memories for us at home,

400
00:31:15,101 --> 00:31:18,579
because it was exactly a year ago today
that the terrible incident occurred when

401
00:31:18,580 --> 00:31:19,630
I was kidnapped.

402
00:31:20,340 --> 00:31:24,260
I haven't talked about this before in
public because it left a lot of scars,

403
00:31:24,261 --> 00:31:27,339
naturally, but it all happened one
Saturday afternoon. We were taking part

404
00:31:27,340 --> 00:31:30,200
big charity showbiz event on Wimbledon
Common.

405
00:31:30,760 --> 00:31:34,840
Very flattering, actually, because my
wife and I were the guests of honour.

406
00:31:35,500 --> 00:31:39,519
And as a special tribute to the first
night of our honeymoon, the first night

407
00:31:39,520 --> 00:31:42,290
our honeymoon was reenacted by the Field
Knot Society.

408
00:31:44,760 --> 00:31:49,080
I'll admit, I'll admit the catering left
a lot to be desired.

409
00:31:49,081 --> 00:31:52,319
That was in the hands of the BBC
canteen, the catering manager.

410
00:31:52,320 --> 00:31:55,599
You know, the catering was. I swear she
hadn't been reading her own recipes

411
00:31:55,600 --> 00:32:00,059
carefully enough because on this
occasion for dessert, she served up a

412
00:32:00,060 --> 00:32:01,110
meringue.

413
00:32:02,850 --> 00:32:06,520
And every time you went to eat some, it
kept throwing itself off the table.

414
00:32:07,470 --> 00:32:10,190
It was at 5 .30.

415
00:32:10,191 --> 00:32:14,409
We'd just left to go home when suddenly,
without warning, the kidnapper struck.

416
00:32:14,410 --> 00:32:18,089
A car roared up alongside us. The door
was thrown open and I was dragged in.

417
00:32:18,090 --> 00:32:22,809
we went. Now, we drove for three hours
till we came to a deserted, disused old

418
00:32:22,810 --> 00:32:26,660
building, which they'd obviously picked
because no one would ever go there.

419
00:32:26,730 --> 00:32:27,990
Watford Football Ground.

420
00:32:27,991 --> 00:32:33,409
No, no, it wasn't. I shouldn't be
unfair, because Watford are doing their

421
00:32:33,410 --> 00:32:34,460
to make a go of things.

422
00:32:34,870 --> 00:32:37,880
No, no, only this week they've signed up
two new spectators.

423
00:32:39,430 --> 00:32:42,990
I'll be honest, these two kidnappers
were pretty hard -nosed.

424
00:32:43,550 --> 00:32:48,209
And they sent a note to the BBC which
said, how would you like to see Ronnie

425
00:32:48,210 --> 00:32:50,690
Corbett strung up on a meat hook?

426
00:32:50,691 --> 00:32:54,949
And the next day they got a letter from
the head of comedy saying, this show's

427
00:32:54,950 --> 00:32:56,330
promised, let's have lunch.

428
00:33:00,200 --> 00:33:07,159
Eventually, they issued an ultimatum. If
the BBC did not leave £5 ,000 in

429
00:33:07,160 --> 00:33:14,099
a hollow tree on St Pancras Station,
immediately, immediately, within 24

430
00:33:14,100 --> 00:33:16,520
hours, I would never be seen again.

431
00:33:19,660 --> 00:33:21,360
11 months went by.

432
00:33:23,880 --> 00:33:25,080
various BBC committees.

433
00:33:25,100 --> 00:33:27,390
The ransom note was read out on points
of view.

434
00:33:28,200 --> 00:33:32,199
And the kidnappers got fed up waiting
and let me go, alive and completely

435
00:33:32,200 --> 00:33:35,120
unharmed. And the BBC sued them for
breach of contract.

436
00:33:36,860 --> 00:33:40,780
Here is the joke. There is this chap on
a package tour.

437
00:33:40,781 --> 00:33:44,569
going around the United States. And the
tour, he takes them deep into Indian

438
00:33:44,570 --> 00:33:49,829
country, down through wounded knee to
twisted ankle, finally arriving at

439
00:33:49,830 --> 00:33:53,929
athlete's foot. Well, all pile out of
the coach, and the guide draws their

440
00:33:53,930 --> 00:33:57,829
attention to a wizened old red Indian
who's standing by the side of the road.

441
00:33:57,830 --> 00:34:03,230
said, that over there is Leaping Turtle,
last of the Navajos.

442
00:34:03,790 --> 00:34:06,350
And he has the most amazing memory of
any man alive.

443
00:34:06,351 --> 00:34:09,549
who'd like to test them out. He said, so
this chap sets forward and he says,

444
00:34:09,550 --> 00:34:13,349
tell me, Leaping, he says, can you
recall what you had for breakfast on

445
00:34:13,350 --> 00:34:14,469
the 25th, 1947?

446
00:34:15,110 --> 00:34:17,710
And without hesitation, the Indian
replies, eggs.

447
00:34:18,550 --> 00:34:21,380
The chap said, well, I'll be plum
-tuckered out, he said.

448
00:34:21,689 --> 00:34:22,739
That's incredible.

449
00:34:22,740 --> 00:34:24,209
Quickly remembering he was American.

450
00:34:24,210 --> 00:34:25,049
What a memory.

451
00:34:25,050 --> 00:34:31,948
At which point their time is up. They
all clamber back on the coach

452
00:34:31,949 --> 00:34:35,609
and off they go. Well, the chap enjoys
the trip so much that 27 years later he

453
00:34:35,610 --> 00:34:38,829
does it again. And sure enough, there
standing by the roadside is the same red

454
00:34:38,830 --> 00:34:40,510
Indian. A bit older now, obviously.

455
00:34:41,830 --> 00:34:43,810
Splashing his scalps with Grecian 2000.

456
00:34:45,270 --> 00:34:47,010
Delivering a rather limp war cry.

457
00:34:47,530 --> 00:34:49,940
I forgot to tell you he was in the
Salvation Army.

458
00:34:51,630 --> 00:34:54,340
And Jack can't believe it. He said, that
is incredible.

459
00:34:54,909 --> 00:34:59,389
Leaping turtle is still alive after all
this time. And he goes up to him again

460
00:34:59,390 --> 00:35:00,440
and he says, how?

461
00:35:00,970 --> 00:35:03,560
And the Indian turns around and he says,
scrambled.

462
00:35:20,880 --> 00:35:26,959
Long ago, when Vikings sailed the seas,
legend tells of many bold and fearless

463
00:35:26,960 --> 00:35:28,010
warriors.

464
00:35:28,380 --> 00:35:30,000
Of Robert the Hardy.

465
00:35:31,860 --> 00:35:33,300
Jimmy the Young.

466
00:35:34,960 --> 00:35:36,760
And James the Burke.

467
00:35:39,140 --> 00:35:44,879
Yet, of all the noble heroes in
Valhalla, one man stood head and

468
00:35:44,880 --> 00:35:45,930
the rest.

469
00:35:46,420 --> 00:35:47,620
Mudguard the Mighty.

470
00:35:47,900 --> 00:35:49,680
Last of the Great Norsemen.

471
00:35:50,890 --> 00:35:55,629
For Mudguard, the sea was his kingdom.
The fresh oceans spray his very

472
00:35:55,630 --> 00:35:56,680
lifeblood.

473
00:35:59,990 --> 00:36:06,649
And so it was that in the spring of the
year 986, Mudguard led his band of

474
00:36:06,650 --> 00:36:11,510
cutthroats to the shores of Northern
Britain on what was to be his final

475
00:36:13,550 --> 00:36:19,870
As you know, I, Mudguard the Mighty,
grow old.

476
00:36:20,560 --> 00:36:27,199
And this day, I lead you into battle for
the last time against the

477
00:36:27,200 --> 00:36:28,620
ancient Britons.

478
00:36:28,840 --> 00:36:32,580
It will be a cruel and bloody battle.

479
00:36:32,880 --> 00:36:36,340
Many of you will be torn limb from limb.

480
00:36:37,120 --> 00:36:40,760
Others will be horribly hacked about.

481
00:36:41,760 --> 00:36:44,420
Shall we flinch in the face of the
enemy?

482
00:36:45,240 --> 00:36:46,290
No!

483
00:36:47,210 --> 00:36:48,690
We shall slit their gizzards.

484
00:36:49,010 --> 00:36:51,930
We shall... Please, sir.

485
00:36:52,510 --> 00:36:53,560
What is it?

486
00:36:54,010 --> 00:36:55,570
I want to be excused, sir.

487
00:36:55,910 --> 00:36:59,630
What? I want to be excused, gizzards
slitting today, sir.

488
00:36:59,890 --> 00:37:04,450
I've got a note from me mum, sir. What
are you talking about?

489
00:37:04,451 --> 00:37:07,969
Well, I've got this terribly stiffly
nose. I don't think I'm up to it today,

490
00:37:07,970 --> 00:37:09,020
sir. Silence!

491
00:37:09,490 --> 00:37:10,870
Put your helmet on straight.

492
00:37:14,650 --> 00:37:15,700
What's your name?

493
00:37:15,930 --> 00:37:16,980
Pithrick, sir.

494
00:37:17,070 --> 00:37:18,190
Pithrick the what?

495
00:37:18,570 --> 00:37:20,070
Pithrick the pathetic, sir.

496
00:37:22,350 --> 00:37:23,400
Silence!

497
00:37:24,850 --> 00:37:26,930
Snivelling son of a slug's entrails.

498
00:37:27,290 --> 00:37:30,010
Have you no Viking's blood in your
veins?

499
00:37:30,370 --> 00:37:32,110
Listen, I want it to stay there, sir.

500
00:37:32,590 --> 00:37:36,070
I've never seen such cringing,
snivelling cowardice.

501
00:37:36,350 --> 00:37:37,910
You ought to see my brother, sir.

502
00:37:38,010 --> 00:37:44,090
Pithrick, you will go into battle with
the rest of the men and like it.

503
00:37:44,350 --> 00:37:45,400
Yes, sir.

504
00:37:46,030 --> 00:37:47,890
Gotta know from your mum.

505
00:37:49,130 --> 00:37:50,610
Right men, forward!

506
00:37:57,770 --> 00:38:03,149
And thus did Mudguard's horde descend
upon the Saxon villages, looting every

507
00:38:03,150 --> 00:38:08,009
home, slaughtering men and cattle,
ravishing the womenfolk, and generally

508
00:38:08,010 --> 00:38:10,090
behaving in a very naughty manner.

509
00:38:11,210 --> 00:38:15,509
Lodgard proudly looked on as his lusty
band of warriors carried off their

510
00:38:15,510 --> 00:38:16,560
prizes.

511
00:38:18,090 --> 00:38:19,140
Hey, you!

512
00:38:19,590 --> 00:38:21,810
Where are you going with that dog?

513
00:38:22,270 --> 00:38:24,350
She was the best I could get, sir.

514
00:38:24,690 --> 00:38:25,850
I'm not talking to you.

515
00:38:26,130 --> 00:38:27,180
Come on, sir.

516
00:38:27,530 --> 00:38:28,580
Hedwig!

517
00:38:28,910 --> 00:38:31,830
They've run out of urgent, sir.

518
00:38:32,210 --> 00:38:34,750
Put that down before I put you down.

519
00:38:37,850 --> 00:38:39,890
Didn't you bring back anything of value?

520
00:38:40,620 --> 00:38:45,139
Well, I did manage to pick up this
little Anglo -Saxon musical box. It's

521
00:38:45,140 --> 00:38:46,400
primitive, of course.

522
00:38:52,320 --> 00:38:53,980
Cheap foreign rubbish!

523
00:38:57,780 --> 00:39:00,340
Next time you loot a village, Pithrick!

524
00:39:33,431 --> 00:39:40,479
It appears to be an ancient parchment,
sir. I found it stuffed in that music

525
00:39:40,480 --> 00:39:46,579
box. By the gods of Asgard, it is the
map to King

526
00:39:46,580 --> 00:39:48,040
Saladbar's tomb.

527
00:39:48,680 --> 00:39:53,160
King Saladbar? Who's King Saladbar?

528
00:39:53,400 --> 00:39:58,700
In life, he was of the evil band that
practices black rituals.

529
00:39:59,460 --> 00:40:00,600
What, a reggae singer?

530
00:40:02,080 --> 00:40:07,889
He's a sorcerer, Pithrick, and the
legend decrees that... All his golden

531
00:40:07,890 --> 00:40:13,969
treasure was buried with him on his
death in the tomb. This map will lead us

532
00:40:13,970 --> 00:40:15,020
the tomb.

533
00:40:15,290 --> 00:40:17,030
Let us see, it says.

534
00:40:18,170 --> 00:40:22,630
First, seek out the river of eternal
youth.

535
00:40:22,870 --> 00:40:25,730
River of eternal youth? That could be
anywhere.

536
00:40:34,760 --> 00:40:39,379
And so, with his crew now reduced to one
man, Mudguard the Mighty took Pithrick

537
00:40:39,380 --> 00:40:41,970
the Pathetic in search of the sorcerer's
treasure.

538
00:40:42,280 --> 00:40:46,460
Across the Valley of Woe, and up into
the Mountains of Doom.

539
00:40:50,380 --> 00:40:55,920
Over the Cliffs of Calamity, and
eventually reaching the Heights of

540
00:40:56,060 --> 00:40:59,820
where Mudguard just managed to stop
Pithrick going over the top.

541
00:41:05,770 --> 00:41:08,730
Oh, that's better. Oh, my poor feet.

542
00:41:11,330 --> 00:41:17,750
Beware the enchanted forest, for there
dwells Morag, the witch,

543
00:41:18,090 --> 00:41:24,730
who seduces all men and transforms their
bodies into swine.

544
00:41:25,650 --> 00:41:27,550
We shall have a head start with you.

545
00:41:28,210 --> 00:41:29,350
Figures, I'm ready.

546
00:41:32,080 --> 00:41:36,219
I'm off to get some more wood for the
fire, and while I'm away, I don't want

547
00:41:36,220 --> 00:41:37,660
talking to any strange women.

548
00:42:01,360 --> 00:42:02,820
Greetings, brave Viking.

549
00:42:04,520 --> 00:42:05,570
Me?

550
00:42:07,020 --> 00:42:08,070
What do you want?

551
00:42:08,280 --> 00:42:09,540
You get away from me.

552
00:42:09,780 --> 00:42:10,830
Have no fear.

553
00:42:10,960 --> 00:42:13,620
I only wish you to shave a gunstick with
me.

554
00:42:15,080 --> 00:42:16,130
Leave me alone.

555
00:42:16,640 --> 00:42:18,140
You don't know where I've been.

556
00:42:19,040 --> 00:42:20,460
Don't fight it, Viking.

557
00:42:21,080 --> 00:42:23,300
Come into my arms.

558
00:42:24,060 --> 00:42:25,620
Oh, you can't get round me.

559
00:42:26,180 --> 00:42:30,020
There's nothing you could possibly do
that would make me...

560
00:42:32,070 --> 00:42:33,120
Come here.

561
00:43:09,720 --> 00:43:13,150
Don't do that when I'm talking to you. I
haven't got a walk on this path.

562
00:43:18,780 --> 00:43:19,830
Come on.

563
00:43:23,440 --> 00:43:25,320
I think I'm back to normal now.

564
00:43:26,420 --> 00:43:27,470
Sorry to hear that.

565
00:43:31,480 --> 00:43:34,070
These high -fiber diets have got a lot
to answer for.

566
00:43:46,380 --> 00:43:52,059
It says here we are now entering the
Garden of Lost Souls, where once dwelt a

567
00:43:52,060 --> 00:43:57,200
strange arboreal young man whose body
was made completely from flowers.

568
00:43:57,820 --> 00:44:00,120
Poppycock. It doesn't say what his name
was.

569
00:44:02,100 --> 00:44:04,140
How do we get into the tomb?

570
00:44:04,500 --> 00:44:08,639
Oh, it says here, it's all here. It says
to find the entrance, you must first

571
00:44:08,640 --> 00:44:11,500
peek out the giant rabbi hole.

572
00:44:12,680 --> 00:44:15,200
What? The rabbi hole.

573
00:44:17,620 --> 00:44:19,520
Giant rabbit hole.

574
00:44:21,180 --> 00:44:22,800
The writing's worn away.

575
00:44:24,960 --> 00:44:28,980
Take 20 paces from the giant toadstool.

576
00:44:29,360 --> 00:44:32,010
Oh, it is. Here, look there. All right,
then. Go on, then.

577
00:44:32,040 --> 00:44:33,090
One,

578
00:44:34,500 --> 00:44:41,219
two... We've found it. The lost tomb of
Saladbar the

579
00:44:41,220 --> 00:44:44,700
Sorcerer. Seems strange that he left it
completely unguarded.

580
00:44:45,420 --> 00:44:49,599
Somehow I expected to find some hideous,
horrible monster, but evidently he

581
00:44:49,600 --> 00:44:56,520
seems to have... Oi,

582
00:44:56,980 --> 00:44:58,360
what have we here?

583
00:44:59,160 --> 00:45:03,080
All right, little shepherd, now we're
starting. Keep away from...

584
00:45:23,630 --> 00:45:24,680
Cool.

585
00:46:29,661 --> 00:46:37,229
Just so we could spring this surprise
party. We couldn't let you go without a

586
00:46:37,230 --> 00:46:38,490
good send -off, could we?

587
00:46:38,610 --> 00:46:45,330
I don't know what to say. In recognition
of 50 years of pillaging and looting,

588
00:46:45,470 --> 00:46:50,890
we would like to present you with this
solid gold eight -day sundial.

589
00:46:54,930 --> 00:46:56,390
Oh, is that the time?

590
00:46:59,510 --> 00:47:02,230
And this is from all the virgins you've
ravished.

591
00:47:02,570 --> 00:47:04,850
All our best wishes for a happy
retirement.

592
00:47:06,030 --> 00:47:07,490
I've won the cup.

593
00:47:08,150 --> 00:47:09,530
To Mudguard!

594
00:47:09,930 --> 00:47:11,070
To Mudguard!

595
00:47:11,850 --> 00:47:18,849
And thus ends the saga of Mudguard the

596
00:47:18,850 --> 00:47:24,369
Mighty. Yet even today, a thousand years
on, Mudguard's descendants are still to

597
00:47:24,370 --> 00:47:28,210
be seen, swooping mercilessly on
defenceless Britons.

598
00:47:29,260 --> 00:47:32,319
Good morning. I'm from the Acme Double
Glazing Company. That

599
00:47:32,320 --> 00:47:48,459
seems

600
00:47:48,460 --> 00:47:54,100
to be all we have time for apart from a
few extra items of news.

601
00:47:54,101 --> 00:47:58,279
Berthold Burke, the eccentric fish and
chip shop owner, has retired, having

602
00:47:58,280 --> 00:48:01,020
devoted his whole life to deep frying in
the nude.

603
00:48:01,420 --> 00:48:03,590
He's now realised he's fritted it all
away.

604
00:48:08,460 --> 00:48:14,879
Magnus... Magnus Codd, TV's absent
-minded professor, caused chaos at a

605
00:48:14,880 --> 00:48:18,459
station this morning when he kissed the
train goodbye, jumped on his wife and

606
00:48:18,460 --> 00:48:19,510
went to town.

607
00:48:21,900 --> 00:48:26,019
At today's conference of the Forgetful
Society, the chairman gave the keynote

608
00:48:26,020 --> 00:48:29,930
speech. He said that last year had been
a complete whatnot of a watchamacallit.

609
00:48:29,931 --> 00:48:33,859
Watch your face hadn't whom a flip and
had made a complete thingamabob of it.

610
00:48:33,860 --> 00:48:36,150
then sat down on a doodah and heard his
watsit.

611
00:48:37,640 --> 00:48:41,759
In our next series, we'll be talking to
Humbert Lodes, the silchester man who

612
00:48:41,760 --> 00:48:45,739
not only moved from a house to a flat to
avoid gardening, but now has tarmacked

613
00:48:45,740 --> 00:48:46,820
over his window boxes.

614
00:48:46,821 --> 00:48:51,079
And we're featuring the world premiere
of a new pantomime, which is a cross

615
00:48:51,080 --> 00:48:52,760
between Cinderella and Peter Pan.

616
00:48:52,840 --> 00:48:53,980
It's called Fly Button.

617
00:48:53,981 --> 00:48:57,829
So, it's goodnight from me. And it's
goodnight from him. Goodnight.

618
00:48:57,830 --> 00:49:02,380
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